My story only really begins in 2001; however, it will help to give you a short summary of my other life.
I came into this world on 28-08-1948. However, those of you that have travelled the same journey this in part will be an all too familiar story.I also knew at around six to eight years of age that something was wrong or different about myself (I chose my name when I was eight) and always preferred the company of girls and I was shocked when I realised girls did not have between their legs what I had.Then came the usual praying for divine intervention for it to drop off and the questioning of, why am I like this, what is wrong?Then adolescence happens, with all the disappointments and agonies that occur at that time of our lives, watching girls develop in to young women and I was wishing that it would happen to me.
That was briefly my childhood and adolescence, a story that is related by trans women/men time and time again.There were not many people that I got close to in that other life but I am pleased to say that those that were; are still very much part of my life still.One is Jan whom I met when I was eighteen, so we have known each other now for nearly forty years and she now remark that it is like she has known Carol all that time.
Gillian is the wonderful lady I married when I was twenty eight and we have two wonderful and supportive daughters.The girls and Gillian (we are divorced and Gillian has remarried) are still very much part of my life.
Finally, just before my 40th birthday (1988) I was rushed into hospital with pneumonia and a pulmonary embolism, I was told another forty eight hours without treatment I would have died.I must thank my ex mother-in-law who realised I had more than just flu and insisted a doctor was called out or I might not be here today to tell this story.Also two years later I was told by doctors that I had Degenerative Lumbar Disc Disease which also set off my Arthritis.This made me realise that I had to stop living a lie and to put my life right for whatever time I had left.However, the girls were only ten and five and I did not want to miss out on their childhood and seeing them become young women.Gillian did remark much later during my transition that she realised that this had been a very unselfish act on my part.Therefore, it is next where my story as Carol begins.
It was Christmas 2000 when I told Gillian and then the girls how I felt, that I had always known that I should have been born female and that I was Transsexual.This was a very traumatic time and I moved out at the end of January 2001 after I had found somewhere else to live. Also at this time I was doing an Access Course at College and I was hoping to go to University later in 2001.After a lot of researching on Gender Dysphoria I believed University for me would be the ideal place to transition and to undertake the Real Life Test which would be required of me as part of the process of treatment and moving forward to reassignment surgery.Jumping through the hoops for the health professionals as I would later describe, and I also prefer realignment to reassignment.
For the first few months of 2001, I only lived part of the time as Carol.After I had explained to my tutors and fellow students that I was Transsexual, I started going to College gradually more as Carol and around May I was going there full time so that I could get my records changed.I had two tutors who were especially supportive, my personal tutor Marjie who when I sat her down to tell her about myself thought I was going to tell her I was gay and there was of course my wonderful sociology tutor Tom.My fellow students were in the main very supportive and most went on to University, however, we went our separate ways and it is very rare I see or hear from any of them these days. I needed to get my college records changed because I had accepted a place at The University of Sheffield to do a BMedSci Degree course in Health and Human Sciences, starting on October 1st of 2001 and I was going in there as Carol from day one. In addition to this I also started to legally change all the necessary documents (bank account, driving licence etc) and on June 1st 2001 I was reborn after changing my name to Carol by deed poll.
I had been doing voluntary work since 1999 for my local Age Concern and I had been on the Board of Trustees and a Director since September 2000.I did carry on with the voluntary work for a short while during those first two months of 2001 but as I started to live more as Carol I withdrew from that role, but carried on with my work as a Trustee and Director.When the time came for my full transition I offered to resign from the board.I had discussions with the Chief Executive Officer and the Chairperson and I was asked not to leave and the situation could be worked through and it could be explained to the rest of the board about my transition.It was worked through and to this day I am still on the Board of Trustees and a Director and I have had nothing but their full support.
I had not seen Jan for several years so I also contacted her around May 2001 to tell her what was happening and she wanted to see me straight away.Jan has been so wonderful and supportive since that day she met Carol and as I mentioned previously Jan tells others that she has known Carol for nearly forty years.
During those first few months it had been a traumatic time for Gillian and for several months she grieved.Gillian had remarked that it was as if I had died and I suppose she was right because my former self no longer really existed.I think things started to improve after I gave her a book to read which I had obtained after joining Gender Trust, which explained about what I was going through. We had also agreed to get the divorce out of the way as soon as possible and that went through in November/December of 2001.The girls were starting to see me more and they became very supportive, as did Gillian eventually and I now look at her as the sister I never had.
During those first few months there was a change in me and I just do not mean my transition, there were some dark days which I believe tested my resolve.I still believe to this day that if I had not been in Further Education and the dream of going to University was becoming a reality that I may not be here today to tell this story.
Although my new home was only five miles away from the former family home it did have quite an effect on me.It became the case as it is for many others of seeming to live in isolation and in those early days it was not knowing anyone in my new area, although, I had explained to my landlords of what I was about to do to get my life back on track and they were understanding or they would not have taken me on as a tenant. Firstly, I lost around 21lbs in weight in very quick time and I started to drink more than I was used to and I had quite a few dark days. I had actual come to despise myself for what I was putting Gillian and the girls through, however, at the same time I was becoming very selfish, this I believe happens to all Transsexuals in those early days as we become singularly focused on who we are and what we need, so as to be that person. My fellow students at that time, prior to knowing about my Transsexuality, because of my weight loss believed I had a really serious illness, soon put them right about that.
I was going to College in the daytime and the sheer thought of going home to an empty place terrified me, it got to the stage I was going for a drink just to delay the inevitable.Once I got through that door I was not too bad and I had College work and assignments to write which kept my mind active.The weekends were the worst and it became hard to force myself just to go out to do some shopping, because I knew I had to return to that empty place and it seemed easier not to go out.I had a few bouts of drinking behind closed doors and I often had to finish up rewriting assignments.Then the University offers started to come through, it was also about the same that I was finding out what was possible in regards of treatment and I knew then there was a future me as Carol.Also as mentioned previously communication was getting better with Gillian after she had read the book on what I was going through and we also had to discuss the divorce, also the girls were now starting to visit me in my new place.Then as I transitioned full time with the knowledge of what was possible in regards of treatment and surgery and the realisation of what the opportunity of going to University meant; it was as if the dark clouds cleared and there was blue sky and the sun was shining on me with such warmth I had never felt before.
I was also beginning to feel happier in my new home during those first few months of my real transition.I was amazed by the reaction of neighbours and other people of the village, because I had heard many stories of violence and rejection which had happened to other transsexuals.One particular incident will always stay with me, one which made me feel really accepted; the lady who was involved is now a very good friend.Her name is Vicki and she is the wife of one of my landlords and they live in a lovely detached house next door to me.I had returned from College one afternoon around the third week in June 2001 and as I got out of my car Vicki was collecting in some washing just as the washing line broke and all her washing fell to the ground and she seemed to be struggling.Prior to that day I had never spoken to her before.Anyway, as I walked away from the car she shouted; never a man about when you need one, so I walked over and I replied; too true, and I asked if she need any help and we struck up a conversation.I explained about myself and Vicki started laughing, because her husband had never told her anything about me.Vicki did then say that only a week previous to this incident she had seen me getting out of the car and when she saw her husband later that day she asked him; does that man next door have a twin sister? Because, she walks with the aid of a crutch as well as him, well we both did not stop laughing for a week and we have been good friends ever since.
During the first half of 2001 I had to get a new General Practitioner (GP) in the area I had moved to.I had also been referred by my previous GP to the Community Mental Health Team, where I was seeing a psychiatrist to rule out any other underlying mental health problem.When I first went to see him in February 2001 I was dressed in a loose baggy top and jeans, (I think he was expecting to someone in a mini-skirt and fishnet tights) anyway he remarked about me not being dressed as woman and I think I shocked him by replying that it is about what is happening on the inside, not about the packaging.I did later see his report on me that he had sent to my new GP, which he stated; that this client knows more about Gender Dysphoria than I do.With what I have seen and heard since that is about par for the course.
July 2001; I had now been living in role full time for a month and I had achieved the necessary credits from my College to be accepted at SheffieldUniversity.Whilst at College in those early months of that year I had been seeing Ellen who was a College counsellor and she was a tremendous source of help and encouragement for me at that time.Ellen had helped me with coping at College with the transition and the difficulty I had when I chose to give up my roles as course representative to the student council and the College student representative on the Board of Governors.
When the notification of acceptance for my chosen course came through from the University Ellen contacted their Counselling Service and for the next two years I had another wonderful counsellor called Penny.It was Penny who arranged with my new University faculty staff to meet me as Carol, since at my previous interview for the course earlier in the year I had attended in male role.If I had any worries when I met with the faculty staff they disappeared within minutes.They asked me all the right questions, in regard to my needs and what I hoped would be happening in regards to my transition and the cycle of treatment I would be receiving throughout my three years at the faculty.This acceptance within the academic domain became a great source of comfort and strength, as I flourished over the next three years.
Also in July I wrote to the Porterbrook Gender Identity Clinic in Sheffield for an appointment as a private patient, because earlier I had been told by my GP that if I went on the NHS waiting list and it would take nearly three years to get an appointment.I received an appointment which was to be in August, exactly four weeks after writing for the appointment.For the second time in a few short days I had cried with joy at the realisation that things were starting to happen and I was progressing.The first time had been after my meeting with Chris Hart at Cristianos Laser Clinic in Altrincham, when I had arranged my facial hair removal treatment and the test patch that Chris had done was fine and I could proceed forward.
The day that the realisation of that I was at last making progress in correcting natures violation, came after my first appointment with Dr Wylie at the Porterbrook Clinic.I had brought him copies of all the legal work I had done which appeared to please him straight off.Then he asked me to tell him about myself and how I felt, my reply brought a smile to his face when I remarked that it was probably a story he had heard over and over again, and he was just getting another version.However, he got my story and fifty minutes later he told me that he was happy to accept me as a private patient for gender reassignment treatment and he explained the criteria, (which I all ready knew) how the progression to treatment worked, the different stages of treatment and the professionals I needed to see within this cycle of treatment. All this was working out well within the time scale I had set in regards of the aforementioned and that I could move forward with my reassignment in unison with my University life.
